dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
