I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
is that a dick in a sweater?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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