i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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