I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think my moral compass just broke
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
