i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
