I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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