I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
