Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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