oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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