i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
this is an emotional support booty call
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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