make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
