Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
