my shit smells like andre
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
