Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
