tell your sister to shave her snatch
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
