There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Best friends brother. Beat that.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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