Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize