If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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