Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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