I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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