i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
