i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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