i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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