The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
