this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize