I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
