where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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