How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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