I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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