I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
