Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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