I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
