Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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