Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
