At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
