Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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