I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
