I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
