I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
