He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
a search helicopter?!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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