Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
