Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize