Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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