I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Oh god it's open bar.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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