Don't make out with my wife yet
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
