so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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