it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
