between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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