So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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