I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dating After Heartbreak
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.