my phone needs a breathalizer
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.