i think i have two assholes
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
