what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
