If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
