what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
